The Unlikely Duo
by headagainstthesky
Summary: Follow Harry and Co. on a crazy adventure that throws logic down the crapper! Warning: This parody contains heavy use of lame references and lazy plot devices.


This is a submission for the Insanity Challenge on HPFC. :) Please be aware that this story is random as hell, and that I wrote it at four in the morning. Thank you, and enjoy.

_The Unlikely Duo_

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all sitting in the kitchen of the Burrow, eating breakfast and chatting about current events and what have you. The time and context of this scene is unknown, as is every other scene in this story. You're in my world now, bitches.

Harry looks around, wondering where the hell everybody is. The house is completely empty, save for a male drummer set up in the living room.

**Harry**: So I guess everyone's off doing their own thing at the moment?

**Hermione**: The correct phrasing would be "his or her thing", Harry.

**Harry**: Wow, really? You choose _that _to be your first contribution to this story?

**Hermione**: *goes back to quietly eating her Froot Loops*

Yeah, I spelled it Froot Loops, that's what it says on the box.

**Ron**: What shall we do today? I think I'm in the mood for something extremely silly and degrading to my character.

**Harry**: If you want to degrade yourself, sing a song about a day of the week and post it on YouTube.

**Drummer in the living room**: *ba dum tss*

See, he has a purpose after all.

**Harry and Ron**: *chuckling and chortling and guffawing, respectively*

**Hermione**: *still silently eating teh fruity lupins*

**Harry**: WOW, HERMIONE, REALLY. FIRST YOU INSULT MY GRAMMAR AND NOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN AMUSED BY MY REBECCA BLACK JOKE.

**Hermione**: Oh, was that a reference to something? I'm not really feeling it today.

**Harry**: Not feeling it? Well, start feeling it.

**Ron**: I'd rather the two of you do that in private.

**Drummer in the living room**: *ba dum tss*

**Hermione**: We could always watch _Kiss Me Kate_!

**Ron**: We've watched that movie a hundred times in the past two weeks. I am _never_ watching that again.

**Hermione**: But it's my favorite!

**Ron**: *glares* _No_.

A few minutes pass as the three of them eat in silence. Then, as if forced by the author, Harry shoots into the air. His cereal bowl goes flying and lands directly on Hermione's head.

**Harry**: Let's get up off our asses and _do_ something! Let's meddle in things that ought not to be meddled in!

Ron, feeling frisky, copies Harry, although he's eating a crêpe and it doesn't have the same dramatic effect. Not to mention what the hell, who wastes a crêpe?

**Ron**: Harry's right! This alternate universe is boring as fuuuuuck!

Harry and Ron begin flipping over various pieces of furniture, including the drum set in the living room. Then they run out of the house with their arms swinging over their heads like chimpanzees.

**Hermione**: Holy balls.

**Drummer in the living room**: *is somehow stuffed in the fireplace*

_*Law & Order SVU dun-dun*_

Hermione cleans herself up and the trio decides to stop by Luna's house, seeing as she lives fairly close and I suppose it makes sense to put her weird ass in this story.

**Luna**: *mystically* Harry, you look to be deep in thought. Let me make you doubt all of your current beliefs about life in general.

Harry suddenly doubts all of his current beliefs about life in general.

**Harry**: By the beard of Zeus! How did you do that?

**Luna**: I think a better question is: why is my house shaped like a really long piece of flan?

**Harry**: That is a better question, I agree.

**Ron**: Has anyone seen my socks? They appear to have gone missing.

**Luna**: Oh, it was probably Gargamel, my new poodle. Would you like to see him?

Gargamel enters the room with Ron's Chudley Cannon socks hanging from his mouth. He is a very nice cerulean color.

**Hermione**: Aw, what a cute dog!

Hermione goes to pet the furry ninja and gets judo-chopped.

**Gargamel**: Stay away, evil temptress! You shall not pet me! NEVARRR!

Gargamel runs away, leaving a trail of tiny-dog-nail scratch marks on the wooden floor.

**Ron**: Hey, I want my socks back!

**Hermione**: *unconscious*

I swear I like Hermione, she's a really important character and stuff.

Harry freezes in his tracks, dropping all of his Pokémon cards to his feet. Ron goes to pick them up, but Harry grabs his arm, stopping him.

**Ron**: What is it?

**Harry**: Bro. I just thought of a plot.

**Luna**: Is it a good plot? Does it actually have a point?

**Harry**: Shit no, any story written like this never has a point. But it's better than what we've been doing so far.

**Ron**: I'm game. Anything is better than trying to come up with puns.

**Harry**: Totes.

(By the way, I sincerely hope none of you scrolled up to find a point where they were playing with Pokémon cards, or where they were trying to come up with puns. I'm intentionally trying to confuse you. Expect more of this throughout the story. *cackle*)

**Harry**: Well, let's grab Hermione and getthefuckoutticus. *pumps fist into the air* Form of… APPARITION!

*Wheeeeeee wizard travel!*

The three magicians arrive at Grimmauld Place, carrying a still-somehow-unconscious Hermione into the kitchen. I seem to like important events happening in kitchens. Although a super secret Order of the Phoenix meeting is taking place (they must be "hatching" a plan) (fuck I'm hilarious), they set her down on the table in the most dramatic way possible.

Remus, Sirius, Tonks, Molly, Arthur, Kingsley, Snape, Fred, George, Neville, Ginny, and Andromeda are all present. Yeah, you read that right.

**Remus**: What's the meaning of this!

**Sirius**: Siriusly, we just cleaned the table.

**Hermione**: *twitches*

**Snape**: *licks lips, Snamione shippers swoon*

Don't get your hopes up, this isn't going anywhere romantically. But you should know that Snape is greasy and lonely and would probably bang Winky if he got the chance.

**Harry**: We're here to help you guys with whatever you need help with. I thought that was obvious.

**Molly**: No! Absolutely not! You're all too young! Fred and George and Ginny and Neville being in here is a fluke by the author! I demand you all to get out!

Jeez Molly take a Valium, they're important to the story.

**Fred, George, Neville, and Ginny**: *high five*

**Arthur**: Alright, well now that that's cleared up, I suppose we'll move on. The Order was just discussing Voldie's next move. We believe that he's doing something really evil, but we don't know what.

**Ron**: Riveting.

**Arthur**: It doesn't stop there. Bellatrix Lestrange has taken over St. Mungo's Hospital. She's holding everyone hostage.

**Harry**: Why would she want to do that?

**Arthur**: Do I look like I effing know? But now that you've arrived, we have just enough people to perform a flash mob and distract her.

**Harry**: What the _hell _kind of plan is that?

**Remus**: One that's FABULOUS.

_*Law & Order SVU dun-dun*_

Let's suspend disbelief for a hot second and say that all sixteen characters get inside St. Mungo's. Also, Hermione is somehow conscious again. Do not question how these things are happening. They're happening and that's that. (And when I say "happening", I don't mean it in the 70's adjective way.)

**Harry**: I'm beginning to fear for my life.

Shhh, just go to sleep, Harry. Everything will be okay.

**Harry**: Um, I'm not going to sleep.

Just accept it, Harry. Accept your fate.

**Harry**: *falls asleep*

**Ginny**: NOOÔOÖOOOOOØOOOŒ!

Calm your tits, he'll be fine. He's not integral to the story anyway.

The rest of the characters leave Harry sprawled out comically on the floor, as they are so frightened of the author that they're fairly sure all of them will end up dead by the end of the story. (That is so not foreshadowing.)

For some reason I imagine that they're all standing with their backs to each other and holding guns, so let's say that they're doing that.

The now fifteen characters think that perhaps they were led into a trap, when Bellatrix Lestrange suddenly appears in the center of the hallway. She is holding the hand of none other than…

**Ron**: Lockhart?

**Lockhart: **Who dat be?

**Ron**: Mother of Sacagawea, you cannot be serious.

**Sirius**: Yeah, I'm right here.

**Bellatrix**: Incompetent fools! Gilderoy and I have taken over St. Mungo's and there's no one that can stop us, not even you!

**Sirius**: Would you say that you feel successful in life, having taken over a hospital?

**Bellatrix**: *kills Sirius*

**Tonks**: Hey, uncool!

**Bellatrix**: *kills Tonks*

**Remus**: THAT'S ENOUGH! THIS ENDS TODAY, SHE-DEVIL!

Remus begins to dance, but it appears that he's the only one doing so. While he thought a flash mob would be a good idea, he never actually practiced with anyone. He thought they would all just start dancing in unison like they do in the movies. When he realizes that no one is joining him, he stops and folds his arms. He looks furry-us. (Alright, alright, I'm done.)

**Remus**: Thanks, everyone, for making me look like an _idiot_.

**Ron**: You did that on your own, mate.

Lots of dueling and deaths take place. I guess we'll just forget the fact that they were all carrying guns, since wizards don't really have knowledge about guns and therefore wouldn't know how to use them or what to use them for.

**Arthur**: *pouts* I know what they're for.

Rub some dirt in it, old man.

**Fred and George**: Have you forgotten that we've been present this whole time, or can you just not think of anything for us to say?

I'll go with the latter on that one.

**Andromeda**: And what about me? What am I doing here? And how come my daughter had to dii-hi-hiiieeeeeeee? *sobs*

All in good time, Andy. All in good time.

Eventually, Bellatrix is defeated. I mean she's taking on fifteen witches and wizards here, and she ain't no Beatrix Kiddo. (Man, Microsoft Word really does NOT like my use of the double negative in that sentence.) Not to mention she's trying to defend a helpless man who – oh nevermind he's dead.

**Bellatrix**: Huh? *puts her hand on Lockhart's junk* YOU'RE WRONG, HE HAS A PULSE!

Fart nuggets. Well, I guess I'll let you two run off for now, it's not like I give a damn.

Meanwhile, everyone is reeling from the losses. Let's see, Sirius is dead, along with Tonks, Remus, Fred, and Snape. Oh wow, I forgot to give Snape any lines. My b.

**Snape**: No, I m-might be able t-to m-make it…

**Everyone else**: *holding onto false hope*

**Snape**: *dies*

**Everyone else**: *moves on immediately*

Harry wakes up just in time to not have to help move the bodies. Arthur, Molly, Andromeda and Kingsley all have their heads together and are whispering feverishly. I'm talking literally here, they are literally in a football huddle.

**Ginny**: What do we do now?

**George**: I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty much done being important here. Reese's Pieces.

**Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna**: 7UP.

Fun tidbit of information: my sister and I always say that to each other when one of us leaves.

**Harry**: No one fucking cares.

The grown-ups are done with their little huddle and turn to talk with the kids, apparently ready to throw another idea at them. You have to admit, the last one they had turned out really well.

**Kingsley**: Since I haven't had a line yet, I suppose I'll explain what we're about to do. We've heard rumors from various insiders that Voldie is currently hiding out in an old recording studio. Don't ask me why he chose a recording studio. We're going to go there and kick his ass. Don't ask me how we're going to do this.

**Neville**: Can we ask you why we can't ask you anything?

**Kingsley**: I was actually about to say that you can't ask me why you can't ask me anything.

**Neville**: Ah.

**Kingsley**: Are you all ready?

**Everyone else**: Meh.

**Kingsley**: Alright. *cocks shotgun* Lez do eet.

**Everyone else**: What even.

_*Law & Order SVU dun-dun*_

At the recording studio, Voldie is warming up his vocals with none other than Bellatrix, his voice coach. It's a wonder that either of them can get any notes out with how much they cackle, but who am I to judge.

**Voldie**: Mi mi mi mi mo mo mo mo mu mu mu mu muuuuuu

**Bellatrix**: Don't forget about your posture!

**Voldie**: Aaaaa eeeeee aaiiiiiii ooohhhhh oooooo

**Bellatrix**: Good job, keep those vowels nice and long!

In a matter of seconds, the Order of the motherflippin' Phoenix bursts through the roof like they all just jumped out of a helicopter. Their guns – sorry, wands – blaze through the crowd, striking down any enemy who dares defy them.

**Voldie**: Uh, it's just the two of us, actually.

Bewildered, they stop firing. As the dust clears, the members of the OoTP take off their sunglasses and look around, trying to see what they were aiming at. There is nothing left but piles of broken plaster and Ken doll crotches.

**Harry**: The hell, Voldie? What's with the mannequins?

**Voldie**: I… I get… lonely.

**Harry**: So is this your evil plan? You're violating mannequins? Is that it, you sick freak?

**Voldie**: *puts his hands in the air*

**Harry**: Don't even think about doing what I think you're about to do…

**Voldie**:

**Harry**:

**Everyone else**:

**Bill Cosby**:

**Margaret Thatcher**:

**Charlie Brown**:

**Outkast**:

**Voldie**: *waves them like he just doesn't care*

**Harry**: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Harry raises his wand, ready to strike, when he notices a single tear drop down Voldie's cheek. He can't help but falter.

**Ron**: Go on, do him, Harry!

I'd like to take this time to express my confusion as to why anyone would say "do him" when they're talking about killing a person. I suppose it's more of a British thing.

**Voldie**: Why do you want to kill me so badly, Harry? Have I really made your life so horrible that you would want to do me like this?

Eurgh.

**Harry**: Uh, yeah, you have. You killed my parents! You're the reason they're dead!

**Voldie**: Well, yes, if I killed your parents, then I would definitely be the reason that they are dead. You didn't need to say both of those sentences, as they mean exactly the same thing.

**Harry**: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

He points his wand directly at Voldie's face.

**Voldie**: Don't you want to know the truth about what happened all those years ago?

Everyone is absolutely silent. Harry stands with his wand still raised, Voldie with his arms still in the air. (Although now he is not waving him like he doesn't care. In fact, some swear to this day that he looked like he cared a little bit.)

**Harry**: What are you saying?

**Voldie**: Harry… I was only ever trying to talk to you.

**Harry**: Talk to me about what?

**Voldie**: About starting a famous rock band, of course. *indicates the studio equipment* Why do you think I've been here all this time? I've been laying down fresh beats.

**Harry**: Rock bands don't lay down fresh beats. You're talking out of your ass.

**Voldie**: Does it matter which of my orifices is talking? My point is, I've known of your destiny ever since Trelawney made her prophecy.

**Harry**: You mean…

**Voldie**: Harry, on the night that your parents died… _they were trying to keep you from fulfilling your lifelong dream of becoming the famous lead singer of a rock band_.

Bellatrix gasps. Ron gasps. Hermione gasps. Everyone else kind of fidgets where they stand because they're largely uninterested in the exchange that's taking place. Harry is dumbstruck.

**Harry**: It makes so much sense now… all of those times I woke up wearing leather pants… all of those times I was hugged by people wearing Led Zeppelin t-shirts… it's because I was destined to be a rock god.

Voldie walks up to Harry and embraces him in a hug that's not awkward at all. The OoTP stands in awe, taking in the sight of enemies joining hands in harmony. (Sounds like a "stop war" campaign ad or something.)

Andromeda walks forward.

**Andromeda**: Could I… could I maybe join the band?

Voldie and Harry look at each other, but neither says a word. Voldie merely raises his nonexistent eyebrows and Harry smiles.

**Harry**: Of course. What instrument do you play?

**Andromeda**: *whips out her sunglasses* The cello.

_*Fade-out*_

_*Fade-in*_

It's six months later. Harry and Voldie's band, _The Unlikely Duo_, has had sold-out concerts all over the world. Their next gig is in Beijing, but before they go back on the road, they're hanging out at the Burrow, doing free shows for their families and friends. Well, I guess more friends than family members, since neither Harry nor Voldie have any living relatives. Poor bbys.

At the moment, they're getting ready to perform an acoustic version of the song "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams. I know it's not a rock song in the slightest, but no one gives a shit. We've made it to the end of the story and that's all you really wanted, isn't it? ISN'T IT?

Hermione and Ron sit on the grass, casually groping each other while Harry and Voldie tune their guitars.

**Hermione**: So are you really never going to watch _Kiss Me Kate_ again?

**Ron**: I probably will at some point. I know you'll never leave me alone about it.

**Hermione**: *chuckling and chortling and guffawing, respectively*

**Ron**: Yeah that wasn't supposed to be funny.

Harry begins to sing, but he's terrible at it. Voldie plays the harmony on his guitar, bobbing his head soulfully to the music. Ron and Hermione lean in to kiss, and as they do they get lost in the beauty of the song.

_Look into my eyes - you will see_

_What you mean to me_

_Search your heart, search your soul_

_And when you find me there you'll search no more_

_Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for_

_You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for_

_You know it's true_

_Everything I do - I do it for you_

Ron notices something different about Hermione's lips, but he can't tell what. It's as if they've gotten thicker. He tries to ignore it but the sensation becomes stranger and stranger until he breaks away, heart beating relentlessly. As he opens his eyes, he is presented with a horrible sight.

He's looking at… _himself_.

**Ron**: Her-Hermione?

Hermione opens her eyes, wondering what's wrong. Then she sees herself sitting across from her.

**Hermione**: What the…?

She looks down at her hands. They are pale and freckled. Shaking, she turns to Harry and Voldie, who have both stopped playing the song. Harry seems to be doing the same thing that she and Ron are doing – looking down at his body with an expression of pure fear.

The three of them exchange glances.

Then they scream.

THE END (OR IS IT)

I'm just gonna go ahead and put it out there: this story makes no sense, and I'm sorry I wasted your time.


End file.
